One year ago today we found out that we lost our baby boy.
I've been writing this post in my head for a while and I'm afraid I'm not going to remember everything I've thought about writing, I should have written it all down somewhere but I just couldn't. Just thinking about picking up a pen and a piece of paper or opening up a Word document would bring tears to my eyes.
One of the hardest things for me since Savannah was born is strangers and random well wishers asking if she is our only child. I always reply that "yes, she is" but I always wonder if I should follow it up with "but she had a twin brother that died at 20 weeks." It's rare that I actually said it out loud because one, I don't really feel like my fellow Target shoppers need to know my life story and two, talking about it always brings tears to my eyes which immediately makes people feel sorry for me, which I hate.
I am sad and it still hurts but I've healed as much as I can heal. I truly believe that God doesn't give you more than you can handle and if I've learned anything in the past 8 months, we couldn't handle two. Although, Jess, my good friend and mom of twins, often tells me that you just do it. I also truly believe that everything happens for a reason, there was a reason we didn't get to meet our baby boy and like I've said time and time again, I'm glad that we didn't get to meet him, hold him and cuddle him and then lose him.
A year ago today, I changed - I become more compassionate and sympathetic and I learned a lot about the people around me. I will never forget the outpouring of love from our family and our true friends. The cards, the flowers, the meals, the tears and the prayers that everything else would be ok. I'll never forget my best friends burtsting into tears along with me when I called and told them the news - Cassy offering to drive 5 hours to see us, Sharri offering to take the rest of the day off of work. I'll never forget the voicemail from my friend Liz after seeing that she had missed 2 calls from me and I hadn't left a message, "I'm worried something is wrong because you called twice." I'll never forget Eddie coming over to show us the engagement ring he had purchased for Megan, a bright spot on an otherwise dark day.
Sometimes I feel overly overprotective of Savannah, I don't like to hear her cry, I don't like to leave her, I want her with me all.the.time. I'm just so grateful that she made it.
1 comment:
Brooke, I read your post tonight and I know that only those who have lost a child like you did can only know the pain you have had and still have for this loss. I have witnessed what a great mom you are. Savannah is a lucky little girl to have such a caring and attentive mother. I do not see you often but from our last get together I witnessed a young woman that has turned into a very loving and caring mother. You do a great job caring for your family and I really enjoy all the pictures and updates you give to us all in Savannah's life. This is a great way for those that are not around to watch her grow from week to week. Dorothy
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